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For Jack - for teaching me so much

 JACK,  I cannot believe you are turning 7 on saturday. 7 years ago you entered this world and filled my heart with so much love. I was obsessed with you the minute I saw you. I could not believe we had a boy! we were convinced you were going to be another girl. Your favourite way to go to sleep was to snuggle into my shoulder and you would settle there for hours. You were a mommas boy from the get go and I loved it. Knowing you were my last baby I spoiled you rotten!. I cuddled you to bits and as for your sisters my goodness just call them your other mothers. They adored you. Ava took on a mother role like I have never seen.  She fed you, changed you the lot! Still to this day she will do anything for you. She is your number one protector and cheerleader. I am writing this letter to you so that one day you will read back over it and see how loved you were, how treasured you were and how far  you have come. Autism is our normal. You or your sisters know no different. we know no d
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Coach - 15 years on

On Saturday it will be 15years since our dad went to work and never came home again. the 19th of May is the exact date our whole world came crashing down around us. Its a date I dread. 15 years is such a long time and yet in so many ways that day feels like yesterday. When you loose someone so close to you it changes you as a person. You never stay the same. Grief changes everything about you, your life, the people around you. You build a new world. It takes years to build that new world. Ask my husband and he will tell you it is only now that I can finally start to speak about my memories with my dad. If I do speak it will only be a for a short while  and I  might  shut off again it is so painful.  His death has had such a profound affect on me. More of an affect than I knew. I was so busy in the early years of his death that I didn't allow myself to grieve properly. It was far to painful and to sad. I cried and hurt so much that I ran from it. When I started to have my own family
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Autism through their eyes

Since it is offically Autism Awareness Week I decided to do things a bit different this week.  I actually asked Mia to write her thoughts on autism as I feel no one knows it better than her.  She asked me to put together some questions and she would answer them. Mia is 14 this year and I've always wanted to know her thoughts on how she sees things. I also asked Ava would she give her views on it as a sibling her opinions are so important. She has helped me so much over the years  with Mia and Jack. Autism is her normal to grow up with she knows no different but I was interested to hear her  views on how she sees things. MIA What does having Aspergers mean to you Mia? 'To me it mainly means having a lot of different feelings. ' Do you feel your different to other kids your age? 'Yes, very I have always felt different' Whats a really good thing about having Aspergers? 'Its cool to have lots of different feelings' Do you feel like you get go
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Trust your instincts

There is so many things I thought I had got used to as a 'special needs mum'. The feeling of being slightly that bit different to the other mums you know or see at the school gate because your child is different to theirs no matter how much you try to make them included or feel the same as the other kids. A lot of the old feelings I orginally felt when Mia was first diagnosed have resurfaced these last few months as Jack has started a new school. Its all change this year for him and Mia. I watched her begin her journey into Secondary School and becoming a teenager and she is handling it all so amazingly well. Yes shes had her bad days and her struggles but the years of hard work have paid off and she seems to be coping as much as she can. Mia is very good at self care mentally and emotionally.  Something we always felt was important to instill in her.  Autism can be so draining at times and I see it on her bad days physically drain her in everyway. I have found the last year
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Autism acceptance and guidance

 ' Autism and me' is the most honest documentary I have seen about Autism.  As I watched each person speak so bravely tears rolled down my cheeks. Every word they spoke I felt a connection with for my own two children Mia and Jack. Although no two children with Autism are the same, so many have similar experiences of how they are treated by other people or how they feel they are perceived by others. As each one of them spoke I could feel myself thinking our lives are so similar and it was so nice to feel unisolated for a change.  My tears really flowed when they showed the clip of Adam Harris as a small boy in playschool as my son Jack on a daily basis comes out of school so overloaded and as soon as he sees me it's as if I am his safe space and he bursts out all his anxiety, stress, and sensory overload. I know this is why he comes out stressed and crying because Autism has been in our lives for over 12 years now. I have learnt to block out anyone at the gate staring at me
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A letter to my 12year old daughter

Dear Mia, In 4 days time  you will turn 12 and I as your mother am in total denial. The last few days I find myself looking at you and wishing I could freeze time and keep you 11. Its the age before you hit the full blown teenage phase and I get to keep you small and cuddly for a while longer. I know you think I am mad because you keep saying to me 'Mam I have to grow up I am gonna be 12 I cant wait!' and every time you say it I squeeze you that bit tighter and kiss you ten times over and say 'no no no I want you as my baby forever!' You laugh and nudge me away and again call me mad but always say 'I wove you mam' with that infectious smile you have and I wonder how much longer you will say that to me. See that's the thing about you turning 12 Mia you are well on your way to being a teenager now and not the little girl I still see in my eyes. 'Wove you' has been our words to each other since time you could talk. You say it to me at least ten times
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Being a good mom is good enough

as a mother I am always wondering am I good enough, Am I doing a good enough job. I climb into bed every night and I always turn  to my husband and say "I feel bad for saying so and so to Mia, Ava and Jack today and I'll try again tomorro". That mindset has always been there. He says I always pick out the negative thing I did and I could have done lots of positive things that day.  Nearly 12 years ago I became a mother and not one of those days have I ever been "mother guilt free". That guilt is there constantly. The constant self doubt I give myself on whether I'm good enough or up to the challenge. It's the most difficult  job. My friends and I always say its  so tough. And yet so rewarding. Not one of those days have I not felt that overwhelming love for my kids for even the slightest thing they may done like just coming over and hugging me with out me asking. That Tiny show of affection melts any mothers heart because really it's simple. My kid
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